LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
