Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
