no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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