haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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