listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
