Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
