so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
