i just sent this text using only my big toe
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
