He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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