First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
