The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
