Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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