i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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