he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
