when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
