you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
