I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
