I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
