This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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