It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
