I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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