I just threw up on my dentist
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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