I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
