1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
