How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
