If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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