it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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