The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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