I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
