I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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