I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
