he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
