If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
