remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
