clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
