you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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