I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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