New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
