he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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