Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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