Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
