It's Friday. Sex?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
