if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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