He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I need water and some morals
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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