I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.