my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito