he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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