now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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