he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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