and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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