you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
