remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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