i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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