i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
