i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
