Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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