I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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