She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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