I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
