I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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