you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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