dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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