apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just had sex on a roof
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
