No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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