Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
